Oh, hello.

This morning, I shared this caption with my Instagram post:

Have you ever been on an adventure that absolutely ruined you? I hear a lot of thru-hikers say that they’re no good after trail life, because you live so simply and rely on yourself and adapt to the wilderness around you so much that it becomes part of your being. Readjusting to “normal life” is difficult.

• I can’t entirely relate to that feeling; but I’ve definitely been far detached from my routine that it gave me time to really THINK. Even though the reason we drove to California went all wrong, it was still one of the best experiences of my life thus far. Being on the road with no real itinerary for almost 3 weeks this past summer made me a different person. I still don’t fully know this new version of myself and it makes me uncomfortable sometimes. It threw me into a massive funk. The last 3 months have been a rollercoaster. Going from someone who had it together…always had a game plan; to being unsure that everything I have always known was what I wanted anymore.

• That dumb roadtrip made me freak out and step back from an overtime career so I could spend more time focusing on the things I really wanted out of life; even if it meant sacrificing extra income and a lot of the things I’m used to having/doing.

• I am 2 months in to my weird mid-thirties slow-down change and I have zero regrets. So far I’ve been to Arizona on an amazing fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants adventure, backpacked lots of miles on 2 different long distance trails (Ice Age Trail and River to River!), will be going to Vegas in a few weeks to celebrate our 5 year anniversary and in between camping trips planned with family and friends and @gear_forward through February! This year started off okay, slid into horrible, taught me some crazy lessons and thankfully, is closing out pretty strong. I hope it carries through 2019.

• Have you ever been blindsided by an experience, positive or negative – and drastically changed or rearranged your life because of a feeling or desire? How did it fare for you?

…And here, you’ll read a blog draft that’s been sitting here collecting dust for a couple weeks.

It’s been a very, very long minute since I’ve checked in. I haven’t felt like writing in months.

I’m not really even sure where to pick back up!

Have I been busy? Not enough to justify an absence here. Have I been focused on other things? …Not anything in particular.

While we have had some family things going on, normal life stuff and some extracurricular activities – it’s been nothing additional that’s kept me from visiting here.

It’s mostly been myself in the way. In all honesty I haven’t felt inspired. (…When you claim to be a writer of sorts; isn’t that just embarrassing?) I will draft a hundred things, and nothing gets finished or is good enough. Apparently, my way to deal is to just…disappear.

I’ve been going through some weird depression. Ever since July, when we came home from our roadtrip; when we didn’t get our Mt. Whitney moment. I have been in a faraway place mentally…avoiding my normal routine of adventuring and then excitedly documenting it. While the adventuring is still indeed happening, the documenting part is not so much.

I kept trying to tell myself I was over whatever happened over the summer, and I kept trying to tell everyone else that I was over it, and that I had accepted it; but clearly I was lying to all of us. I kept it buried.

It’s been the dull, throbbing annoying ache in my heart for the last 2, almost 3 months that kept me couch ridden most summer weekends, my house became a pit of clutter and disarray, it prompted me going to bed early every night to avoid feeling like I should be productive, and it’s been the 12lbs that have crept back onto my body since.

I want to be done with that feeling. I don’t know what it was that triggered me to fall this hard. That damn trip ruined me. Even when it didn’t all go according to plan. In all of it’s adventurous, soul-searching glory; it ruined me as a person. I’m not the old me. It gave me too much time away from real life to think.

It made me panic, quit half of my clientele and scale back on my full-time career and job. It made me question every single thing I ever thought was right for me. It made me realize that I wanted more out of life than just over working and existing. It is and was severely overwhelming.

I don’t know where I left my positive attitude but I miss it.

I’ve been on a plethora of awesome weekend warrior adventures since July with so many of my best friends and it makes me sad that I had no desire to come here. I’ve had a lot of amazing opportunities at my feet and instead of being excited to share here, I just kept it to myself until the time came to unveil it.

That’s all going to change. Prepare for the next few weeks of posts that deserved to be here long ago.

So, as you can see, this thing has been weighing on me for awhile now, but I couldn’t find the energy or the desire to confront it and that was probably even more toxic to my mindset. So now that it’s out there – I am aspiring to turn the mood around and get back to where I need to be.

Sharing this is to hold myself accountable, and to quit hiding away. Thanks for reading.

J

4 Comments on “Oh, hello.

  1. You’ve got this!!! We’re all here for ya too! I speak for the world.

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