It’s been a very, very long minute since I’ve checked in. I haven’t felt like writing in months.
I’m not really even sure where to pick back up!
Have I been busy? Not enough to justify an absence here. Have I been focused on other things? …Not anything in particular.
While we have had some family things going on, normal life stuff and some extracurricular activities – it’s been nothing additional that’s kept me from visiting here.
It’s mostly been myself in the way. In all honesty I haven’t felt inspired. (…When you claim to be a writer of sorts; isn’t that just embarrassing?) I will draft a hundred things, and nothing gets finished or is good enough. Apparently, my way to deal is to just…disappear.
I’ve been going through some weird depression. Ever since July, when we came home from our roadtrip; when we didn’t get our Mt. Whitney moment. I have been in a faraway place mentally…avoiding my normal routine of adventuring and then excitedly documenting it. While the adventuring is still indeed happening, the documenting part is not so much.
I kept trying to tell myself I was over whatever happened over the summer, and I kept trying to tell everyone else that I was over it, and that I had accepted it; but clearly I was lying to all of us. I kept it buried.
It’s been the dull, throbbing annoying ache in my heart for the last 2, almost 3 months that kept me couch ridden most summer weekends, my house became a pit of clutter and disarray, it prompted me going to bed early every night to avoid feeling like I should be productive, and it’s been the 12lbs that have crept back onto my body since.
I want to be done with that feeling. I don’t know what it was that triggered me to fall this hard. That damn trip ruined me. Even when it didn’t all go according to plan. In all of it’s adventurous, soul-searching glory; it ruined me as a person. I’m not the old me. It gave me too much time away from real life to think.
It made me panic, quit half of my clientele and scale back on my full-time career and job. It made me question every single thing I ever thought was right for me. It made me realize that I wanted more out of life than just over working and existing. It is and was severely overwhelming.
I don’t know where I left my positive attitude but I miss it.
I’ve been on a plethora of awesome weekend warrior adventures since July with so many of my best friends and it makes me sad that I had no desire to come here. I’ve had a lot of amazing opportunities at my feet and instead of being excited to share here, I just kept it to myself until the time came to unveil it.
That’s all going to change. Prepare for the next few weeks of posts that deserved to be here long ago.
So, as you can see, this thing has been weighing on me for awhile now, but I couldn’t find the energy or the desire to confront it and that was probably even more toxic to my mindset. So now that it’s out there – I am aspiring to turn the mood around and get back to where I need to be.
Sharing this is to hold myself accountable, and to quit hiding away. Thanks for reading.